you're too far away

Did I get to sleep today?
didn’t i?
Is there enough light?
I can’t see
i’m tired or i’ve misplaced my glasses

I can’t sleep
it’s dark i think but
theres light inside my stomach
and it shines on the back of my eyelids
or else someones making noise
are you making noise?

No, you’re too far away
and any noise you make is irrelevent
or strange when it reaches me
or at least
i couldnt dream of responding
its too tight or narrow
it wasn’t built with someone of my size in mind
how about my size? everythings changing and i cant tell a nickel from a dime
How should I remember what it looked like?

You’re too far away and it feels like arrows
I’m not at home
I have no home.
Are you home?

I met a nice woman with a nice ass
She winked at me and not too many people wink
my hands hurt they’re covered in splinters
wrapped in gauze cut bandages and packing tape?
no
some blisters and some bleeding only
but they feels like im not there for you

where are you?
are you home? where should i put these beauty supplies?
you’re BEAUTIFUL
god damnit you’re so fucking BEAUTIFUL
theres no words i couldnt tell you
im slipping from the page
theres too much
i want to get fucked up and forget all about this but tomorrow these words will still be here

I’m the most important thing in the world to you
and to my body
its too late
its personified
its eating me away im rotting like meat
im meat like rotting

im too much concrete in too little space
and im starting to set

my chemicals are punchlines and it hurts my feelings
my punchlines hurt me
ow
FUCK
SHIT
UP
i wish i was drunk i wish i was stoned i wish i was fucked up i wish i was trashed i wish i was wasted i wish i pissed myself
my stomach is full of piss and my bladder is full of lead
Help me!
Call a doctor!

pens scratch itches
i have nothing to write down but
i think the sound of the pen against the paper is
keeping me from killing myself
so instead i use words
even though words and scratch pen noises
are entirely different things

I don’t know if the average person could tell the difference
even if their life depended on it
like mine does

I don’t want music
You’re too far away
I don’t want a cigarette
You’re too far away
I don’t want to eat fish
its flakey and it tastes like sedimentary rock
You’re too far away
I dont want to make toast
You’re too far away
I don’t want to put sandals on
You’re too far away
I don’t want to spend my money
I don’t want to save my money
You’re too far away
I don’t want to miss you
You’re too far away
I don’t want to do pull ups or shovel shit or split wood or drink coffee or smoke a cigarette or play guitar or laugh in your face
You’re too far away
I don’t want to have a cigarette
You’re too far away

You live like me I think
in boxes and in between walls
we’re human being insulation
insulating human being bones
my bones will not give my body up
it comes off in strips like boy jerky
kid fabric
waste product

metal is sick
the stainless steel is ill and
ceramic tiles are filled with disease when they get wet

Are you sick?
I miss you
come back
im sorry
im sorry
i cant believe im doing this to you

does this count as fabric? i still cant tell but
this time i still dont care
i mean
this time it seems like it might be glass
or plastic
or maybe it’s water or a cricket
or a stream or a peice of paper
loose leaf like autumn

why am i doing this?
it makes me feel cold
its cold in here and its not worth it
you’re too far away

When I read these words tomorrow
some of them will be good words
and some of them will be bad words
and none of them will be true
that’ll take years

It’ll take a year and a half for you to live with me.

in half a year it’ll take a year
and in a year it’ll take half a year
how many years is this going to take?
you’re too far away

now I’m starting to feel as if
I’ve brushed my teeth and I’m heading for bed
you’re still too far away
but if you arent here today
you might be tomorrow
I can’t prove otherwise
I’m going to brush my teeth
and take off my pants for you
roll a cigarette for you
close my eyes for you
all it takes is eyelids and the years arent even there
the miles arent even there
and its not too dark to see
or too bright to think
the music turns off and the lights go out
the animals all stop
and you’re too far away
the lights all go out
and you’re too far away
I love you and
you’re too far away

but at least you’re somewhere
i’m always losing important things
because i forget all about them
but i know where you are

-garbage juice